16 februari 2023/ green up there

i had a plan, i realise while reading the blogpost i wrote last month.
nothing came of it, of course.

the clouds haven't left, though. & i'm quite happy, possibly even proud, to write those words: i've been jumping around for ever, never quite feeling like i made something: i've always felt like the things i did were highly influenced by others. and i can tell you, it doesn't take much to influence me. not much at all.

this is a fresh, recent realization: i lived three weeks without much access to wifi & let me tell you: it calms everything down. i read a lot, sat in my chair by the fire, looked/ stared outside. didn't *do* much. that was possible because i had two weeks off of work. there was lots of time to do nothing.

there was time, and space to be the observer that i am. without (much) interruption. 

but now there's work again. there are empty days in between the work days; it takes a little while to shrugg the business of a "regular" day -- isn't that depressing. why do i call a work day a regular day? not ok. -- a big chunk of my empty day is used to decompress, i feel like. & the rest of the day i wish to draw.  it's that productive-thing, the need to feel productive to have had a good day. which is fucked up.

i need empty days to be able to do nothing

(but look)

(and read, write, walk, lie down, whatever feels needed)

and to draw. 

i know the doing-nothing-part is as important as the reading & writing & walking part, all these parts need each other & when one goes missing, everything falls to bits. i pick the wrong books to read, write about things that do not matter to me. i care lots about everyone else's thoughts and feelings, more than my own. buy stuff i don't need.

all that shit.

i am a quiet, slow, observing being. it is what it is.

and i can't wander away for too long. i think those quiet weeks offline were very important for me, and for the stuff i'm currently doing in my sketchbooks. 

i will share but can't say much about the pages because... it just is. what it is.

in a way it feels like the most logical thing; i can't remember a time when i was not always looking up, up at the sky. i recently heard somewhere that most people more often look at their devices than at the sky & that made me so, so sad. 

anyway.

the only thing i'm thinking about right now is: can i put green in the sky? in the clouds, the sky?

i think i can.

*

this morning i was whining in my journal about all this, about all the stuff i find so difficult & keep bumping into (and keep writing about, over and over and over again; how boring this blog must be). and then i sat down near the windows, my regular spot. and up until that point, the day was endlessly grey. i didn't think the day would become lighter, brighter; but i sat down near the windows, and the sun broke through.

there suddenly was so much light and space.

so. some pages:

there are lots more. i'm filling sketchbooks quite quickly. it's exciting. there's change. and i'm exploring; i literally do not know where i am, what i'm moving toward. i don't know where i want to go (exciting/ frustrating). i think i maybe want to try gouache sometime but right now i just use neocolors and colored pencils. 

so. no plans. maybe next time there will be some green in the sky. until then,

X

p.s. i'm rereading virginia woolfs to the lighthouse. it's so utterly beautiful.