a return, once more

i don't know what to write. 
i'm in that place again where i don't know what's me, anymore. my head is so full of too much noise & i'm exhausted.

back to graphite and watercolours. my home.
my medicine: kateri ewing's muse course, a gift that has been and still is so important to me. & my friend flowerville who, i proudly admit, i've turned into a watercolour-lover. (is it a coincidence that sea-lovers are watercolour-lovers as well? i wonder.) she recently got herself a beautiful set of watercolours by a. gallo colors: the naturale set. it has been on my wish list for a bit & i am so, so very jealous.

*

in need of softness and poetry.
piano music. the unknow craftsman and six facets of light.

(in need of more watercolour colours. i sold many of them a little while ago, thinking i was never going to use them again, ever. just kept a few special colours. blue green brown grey white. in need of more watercolours. 

i bought a cheap-ish set that is a waste of money.
now i have no money.)

*

i know this all sounds so very dramatic. i am not a drama queen.
this feels very dramatic. it feels lonely. like i've lost connection to life.

i don't know why this keeps happening. the way i treat watercolours is the way i treat myself; somehow. in a way. i can't explain my connection to watercolours -- it is dramatic. i think some of you might understand. in my notebook i wrote: i long for watercolours. i feel them in my soul. they are where the real me lives entirely and yet i sometimes lose track of that part of me & it keeps happening & it's happening quite often, with shorter intervals, lately.

and,

i need to keep it small.