it's not about reinvention. it's quite the opposite, actually. it's about clearing away everything that is not mine.
in some ways it feels like all those years ago, when the body felt like nothing, like it would move away with the winterwinds;
i went for walks and everything was realer than i was. i was not invisible but i wasn't real.
it does not feel like that now. it feels like i was so heavily buried by so much onzin, nonsense. i couldn't get away from it. until something had to move, away away because i couldn't anymore.
(i don't care about visibility.
but i am not invisible. that is not real.
i wish to be more real.)
*
my thinking feels restricted. i don't know how to change it.
i'm too literal, can't get away from the surface. i think it's my own fault; it's my own fault, for moving away from the things that move me.
going in circles.
why not take my love and hold it.
why not try to get to the center of the love. i care so much about certain things but have not yet found a way to make that care more real in the day-to-day.
it's not just my thinking that feels (/ is?) restricted.
maybe it's this never-empty horizon. i miss the higher spaces i am so familiar with. the depths of visibility. the air moving on and on and on and i'm not there to witness it, it all.
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